Steak Knife was my college alter-ego. Not sure why. But his irreverence lubricated my life. He was definitely the Superman to my Clark Kent—in a darkly cynical, inebriated way. College is out and Mr. Knife has stumbled off to wherever alter-egos go. This is a remembrance of two life keys learned during his tenure: 1. nothing is embarrassing until you take yourself too seriously, and 2. if you think you’ve figured out all the angles, you’ve missed the point. This is Steak Knife's Trimmings.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Cingular Furious in Collecting Royalties from German Aves



GERMAN ORNITHOLOGISTS fear that birds in that country have started to imitate ring tones.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Willis Haviland Carrier Week


As the stifling heat and the funk of discount deodorant lay discontent across this great land of ours I hereby declare this week in recognition of Willis Haviland Carrier. I know there's no shortage of white guys recieving praise and honor, but this dude invented the electric air conditioner. I am indebted to you, Mr. Carrier. Thank you Mr. Carrier, thank you.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

The Reality of a Pirate's Ways


After pillaging and plundering for most of the afternoon, the reality of mister abraham's deeds crashed forth leaving his cheeks glistening with tears. Taking a long draw of stiff apple juice from his sippy cup, he concluded finishing the day as Godzilla would be an occupation that brought no regrets. (Thanks for the photo, Mim)

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

When I Snap My Fingers You Will Forget About Rove

The Supreme Court Justice nominee, John Roberts, has been praised by Bush as someone who interprets the law, not someone who legislates from the bench (as we all know by now--legislation--that should be left to the Church). Although the following Pennsylvania laws will never be weighed at our highest judiciary level, it's easy to see how any sensible judgment of these prosecutions would be considered "activism."

  1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
  2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
  3. If a motorist sees a horse coming down the road, the driver must pull off to the side of the road and cover the vehicle with canvas. If the horse continues to stir the driver must disassemble the vehicle until the horse is no longer spooked.
  4. In the Mount Pocono region any group of 5 or more Native Americans are to be considered a raiding party and may be killed on the spot.
  5. In Philadelphia, you can't put pretzels in bags (based on an Act of 1760).

Not to confuse too many talk radio listeners, but laws, like the Bible, were written by man and are fallible to language, culture, and time; requiring constant consideration and reconsideration to insure ethical protection is extended to all citizens, not just those in the majority.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

A Puppy Pit of Sorts

May the cutest pup prevail!

Seagal, Atomic Flames, and Evil-Doin' Ninjas

I wasn't trying to upstage Sarcasmo's find, Fabio's inevitable CD release, when I happened across this for your listening pleasure: Steven Seagal's kick-you-in-the-nuts-twice-and-break-your-arm-for-the-hellavit CD, Crystal Cave. To promote the album, Seagal recently played a benefit out in San Francisco resplendent with Japanese monks and an atomic flame kindled from embers of the 1945 Hiroshima bombing. The flame's pilgrimage to the Trinity Nuclear Test Site in the New Mexico desert will end with the monk's extinguishing, a symbolic honor to the historic bombing's victims. The renegade activist turned actor/rock-n-roller, Seagal, will ride shotgun, of course, out into the desert to fend off any terroristic ninja attacks by Evil-Doers who wish to see the flame's journey fail. As legend has it, once the flame is put to rest in the sacred spot a chain of events will be set forth culminating with peace being delivered to Earth from the planet Zeronex OTC in a small clay urn. Evil-doers, as you know, are against peace and freedom and will stop at nothing to see that the American way, and/or those who we bomb, are, well, forever upset about something or other.

I wish I'd thought to make this stuff up.